As I sit here typing only one day before my baby girl is scheduled to be born, I think back over the past three years and what brought us to this point…
After my son, Adam was born I was not sure I ever wanted to have another baby. Not because I didn’t love my son, but because of how rough the birth was, all the medical problems that followed, and just the unsurety of it all. This feeling lasted about two years.
I would watch mothers who had all these kids and all my friends who were experiencing “baby fever” and wondered what in the world was wrong with me? Why was I not ready to have another baby? I talked to my counselor about it, wondering if I would ever be ready and she encouraged me to write a blog post exposing all of my fears relating to this topic. What was I really worried about?
I wrote, The Great Baby Debate only a year and half after my son was born, and in that post I listed fears such as:
- Miscarrying again
- Affording a second baby
- Having a C-section for the first time
- My husband possibly being deployed again
- My health issues
- Being a mother to two instead of just one
- Laying my dreams aside
The thing is, none of those thing matter anymore, every single one has been taken care of by an almighty God who knew the future and had it under control!
My fear of miscarrying had to be laid to rest in the Saviour’s arms. My worry of affording another baby has been put to rest by my husband achieving the next rank in his military career and with that a raise. My fear of c-section was again, trusted to the Lord, and put to rest with much research, talking to friends and a very helpful nurse. My deployment worries were put to rest when my husband’s deployment for this past year was cancelled and it became clear that we should have a baby instead. My health issues have not gone away, but have gotten better due to good doctors who monitor me and help me be in the best health I can be. My fear of being a good mother to two children instead of just one, has become less of a fear, and more a nervous excitement to see what God has planned for our family. And lastly, God has shown me that I can be a mother AND still accomplish my dreams, and with that came the publication of my first e-book only last week – a week before my baby girl was born. My God is amazing!
Soon after I wrote that post, we started having to look into the possibility of my son having autism. With that journey came much more than we ever bargained for: hours and hours of driving and therapy visits, several hospital procedures and tests, and finally several diagnoses which included Autism, SPD, Apraxia, and a Pediatric Feeding Disorder.
As we waded through these waters and finally got the answers we had been looking for since my son had been born and as my son finally began to get the help he needed, we realized that we might finally be ready to have another baby.
As 2012 started to come to a close, my husband and I talked and realized that we were finally ready. My husband was scheduled to deploy in 2013, but was on hold due to possible heart problems. We prayed about it and decided to let God decide. If my husband went on deployment, we would wait to try for a baby after he got back, if he was not able to go on deployment, we would try for a baby right away.
When you pray, God answers and in 2013 we found out that while my husband did not have any heart issues, his deployment would be cancelled and he would be staying home. We took that as a “yes” from God, and I was pregnant two months later. Since then, I have never looked back. I knew this is where we were supposed to be. I knew the timing was perfect for our family and that God’s ways were always so much better than my own. My joy was restored to me and all the fears I had felt only the year before melted away with the joy and hope of a second little one.
And now with this last day alone as a family of three forever, I look back on what God has done. No matter what happens tomorrow, my future and my family’s future is in His hands. Nothing is out of His control. I am so thankful for what He has done to bring us this far.
To my Baby Girl:
The day before you, baby girl is one filled with joy, happiness, and expectation.
The day before you, is filled with excitement about things to come, but also some nervousness about being a mom to two.
The day before you is one that will never come again, but it’s one I never want to come again, because that means I am without you.
The day before you is filled with prayers for you, prayers that I know you can feel even in the womb.
I love you baby girl, and I can’t wait to meet you.