About a month ago a sermon my pastor preached really made me think. It was about God’s will and knowing you are in God’s will. So I thought about it:
Am I in God’s will?
And the answer I came up with was definitely, yes. There was no doubt in my mind. I was in God’s will when I married my husband four and half years ago. I was in God’s will in becoming a military wife, and I know this because I prayed about these things constantly and made sure to seek Him and other family and friends before making these decisions. I believe I am in God’s will right now, doing what we are doing – the every day in’s and out’s of being a stay-at-home mom to a special needs little boy.
So if that’s true and if I really believe that – which I do, then why am I so angry at God? And before I could even ask myself that question I came to the realization that yes, I am angry at God. I am angry that His will is that I have an autistic little boy that struggles and I am angry that our lives our so stressful because of it, and I am angry that no on understands, and I am angry that I feel so alone so many times.
There is no road map for what you are supposed to do if you feel this way. You are not supposed to be angry at God. And even as I thought about it I was waiting for lightening to come down and strike me. But it didn’t. All I was reminded of was His love. But things haven’t felt like they were orchestrated by love and that is what I am struggling with. How can I trust a God who gives me more than I feel capable of handling most days? How?
I read the Bible verses about those who endured through much worse trials than even I could ever imagine. I read about those who persevered and I wonder what is wrong with me? Why can’t I be like that? Why can’t I have the happy-go-lucky attitude that all the Christians are telling me that I am supposed to have.
Be postive. I hear. Rejoice in your trials. It is preached. God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. I have heard more times than I can count. But what if you are just not strong enough for all that? What if I am not perfect enough to be that way?
“Cease from anger, and forsake wrath…” – Psalm 37:8
God’s will is that I have a very sweet and dear autistic boy. I know that to be true. And I am so thankful for him, we really do love him so much. Is it fun to watch him struggle and be different from other kids? No. But does God have a plan in all this? Yes. And the thing is I have to learn to accept that.
So that is what I have been struggling with the past month. Learning to accept that this life is God’s will, and that yes, He loves me and yes, He has a plan. It’s not going to happen overnight. It’s going to take more time for me to see it, but I know in time I will accept this as God’s perfect and sovereign will.
A lot of my quietness on my blog has been from the above. Thinking. Praying. Accepting. Struggling. I have also been having severe fatigue and bad headaches for the past few weeks and it’s starting to take it’s toll. I have little energy left over at the end of the day for blogging and most weekends have been spend in bed sleeping due to being exhausted. Not sure if it’s just my crazy schedule with Adam or being pregnant or a little of both, but it makes me feel guilty. I hate to miss church and I hate that the house is a mess most of the time, and the piles of laundry are getting taller with each passing day.
I feel that the commitments I have made at church – nursery and singing in the choir have fallen to the wayside and I am upset about that because I have little energy left at the end of the week due to running Adam all over town for therapies and dealing with other issues as well. I wonder how many people are judging me because I haven’t been to church in weeks and how many people actually care. I watch all the people on Facebook have friends over on the weekends and all the good things that are happening and I just wonder how we got left at the bottom of all that. Is it because no one wants to have us over because our son is autistic? Sometimes I believe that is the case.
My husband and I worked in nursery twice this past Sunday and it was good to be in the same nursery as Adam and to see how he was doing. I was shocked to watch the interactions and learn that every single child in that nursery was petrified of my child. No one liked him. Some kids told their parents so. Some would hide from him if he came near them. And it just broke my heart in pieces.
Yes, my son is different. Yes, he does not understand how to interact with kids appropriately in a social setting. But he is learning and we are trying so hard to teach him. He gets up in kid’s faces because he doesn’t understand personal space, he gets over excited in a large setting like that, he tickles kids, but the other kid’s don’t understand that, they are just scared of him. He loves other kids, he is so excited to play with them, but he doesn’t understand personal space yet. It’s sad that he doesn’t have any friends because not many people want to have him over or because people don’t take the time to understand or explain to their kids that it’s ok he just wants to play.
I am grateful for my friend Kayla who is willing to do play dates whenever we can fit them in our schedule and because of that Adam is able to learn how to share and how to act better in a setting like that. Yes, he still acts out and gets over excited, but I am there to stop it and teach him not to do that.
It’s been a long month. Dealt with feeling sick a lot, dealing with multiple stresses, got a letter from a family member I have not talked to in several years which was upsetting, and learning to adjust our budget as we were not doing very well with it this month. All these have been huge stressors in my life and things I have been struggling with. I hope that June will be better and I can get back to blogging more. It has been a nice break to focus on the family and God, and I hope to continue that as well. As always thanks for reading.