To have another baby or to wait. To have three of four or to not have anymore. These are the questions of life. The questions I have been debating ever since Adam was born. All around me people are getting pregnant. Almost every day seems to bring a new pregnancy announcement, a reminder to me that a decision needs to be made in my heart and in our family. People who tease or ask when we are going to get busy and have another baby don’t seem to understand. There is a lot more to this decision then just having a another baby. For me there is still healing to be done and that is part of the reason why I am writing this.
To most, it’s just a careful decision of when to have more. How far you want space them, etc. But for us it’s totally different. Adam’s birth and the after-effects were very rough. I was on bed rest for several weeks afterward, and I had a ton of medical problems that went on for months without answers. Honestly, it was the scariest thing of my life. So scary that a lot of times I have not been sure I wanted another baby. I go back and forth all the time, and I have prayed and prayed for God to show us the way. I knew God was going to have to open both of our hearts back up if this was his plan for us.
The question is not simply, “Should we have another baby?” The question is also, “CAN we have another baby?” I have a lot of health problems and am on a lot of medications. There would have to be a lot of decisions made before we just tried for a baby. Obviously my husband is deployed right now, so not much is going to happen until he gets back, but that is exactly why I feel a decision needs to be made. This is the time to pray about it, to think about what we want to do, and to talk to my doctors and see what they think and if this can be done.
I also have a lot of fears about having another baby. I am physically afraid. When I think about everything I went through after Adam’s birth it brings tears to my eyes. Not because I am trying to be dramatic, but because just thinking about everything I went through makes me upset. I know not all of you were reading my blog during the time of Adam’s birth and afterward, so here are the posts to catch you up on everything that happened.
I know I can’t be the only one to have some of these fears. And per suggestion of my counselor I am going to list the things I am afraid of and the questions I am considering when it comes to a second birth.
What if I miscarry again?
Before Adam, I was pregnant for a very short time and then lost the baby. We figured out that most likely the baby was lost due to an error by the doctor who never told me I had thyroid disease. Once I got on the medicine, I was able to keep the second pregnancy- Adam. I am scared that I might miscarry again. Sure I am on medicine now, but what if I miscarry for other reasons? I have to just tell myself God is in control. And if that happens, then God will get us through like he did last time. Click on the links to read about my miscarriage and thyroid problems.
Can we afford another baby?
I will be honest, now that Adam is older and things have settled down a bit, it has been nice to have just enough money for what we need. I know another baby would cost more, and even though we are close to paying off a lot of our debt, I want to keep that money for us and know that we are doing ok. Sometimes it’s hard to always be living paycheck to paycheck. It wears on you. And having a second baby would probably be doable, but harder. The good thing is, that Jon will probably be ranking up sometime after he gets back which means a good pay raise. Not going to hold out for that, but it’s definitely something to keep in mind.
What about C-Section?
If you read my previous posts on what happened at Adam’s birth then you know that I tore to the fourth degree. It took them two hours to stitch me up and I was on bed rest with very strict orders. I was told that if I tore back open there was a good chance I wouldn’t be able to hold myself from going to the bathroom on myself. Everything ended up ok, but it was scary. It is not something I am willing to chance again, and per the doctor’s order I cannot have a vaginal birth again, only a c-section. A lot of people don’t agree with me on that, and I have gone over a lot of it in my mind. I am positive this is the only decision to be made. C-section is necessary here. I am not willing to risk taring again, nor am I willing to give myself more problems to worry about as sometimes I still have problems in that area. I also agree with the doctor, and trust her decision. She knows how bad it was and if it is something that is doable or not.
My fear is, I am scared to have a c-section. I know people do it every day, but it will be new and different. Do I really want to cut myself open? What if that just causes more problems in and of itself?
What if he is deployed during the birth or right after?
We know the rotation my husband is on. I can’t talk about it on here, but basically we would have about a year before he could possibly deploy again. That is not much time to try for a baby, and go through pregnancy and birth. He would probably miss some part of it. Or he would miss the newborn stage. I know I can’t base decisions on that, but I want to. It’s a hard decision. Of course there is always the chance he won’t deploy during that time, but I would rather plan for it than not.
What about our marriage?
If you have kids then you know just as well as I do, that things change after you have a baby. It takes time to figure everything out, and get settled again. Now that Adam is older things are going great! I love where we are as a family and in our marriage and I am scared to change all that. Right now we can still go on occasional date nights. One child is easy to pay for for a sitter, but two? That’s a little bit harder. I am afraid to have things change.
What if I have too many health problems? What about all my medications?
During my last pregnancy with Adam, I had to see a specialist on the side for my thyroid. They monitored my levels during the pregnancy and took blood to make sure everything was ok. And it was! But after Adam’s birth a lot of problems showed up. I had and still have a ton of skin problems that were severe. From rashes, cystic acne, and yeast infections on my skin to seborrheic dermatitis, which is another type of skin problem. These were all caused by the hormone changes after pregnancy.
I also was diagnosed with a hiatal hernia (see link for more info) which causes very bad acid reflux. The cause was probably a combination of carrying a baby and gaining weight from the pregnancy. I am scared of what would happen if I had another, would it make it worse? I can’t just stop taking the medications I am on. And I am on a lot. What about my skin issues? What if they all come back once I get off the medicines?
There are just so many decisions to be made in this area. I still have to be seen by several doctors every couple of months to monitor all my problems and to monitor me on all the medications I’m on. In January, I will be seeing both of my doctors and will be able talk to them about these issues and what they think I should do and if I can have another baby. Until then, I will be in prayer for God’s will.
What if I can’t handle having two? What if it’s too much stress?
I used to pride myself on how many kids I could handle when I was a nanny and babysitter. I was a great babysitter and loved to watch little children. It’s totally different when you have your own. You can’t just hand them back to the parents at the end of the day – you are the parent! Sure one is easy enough, but two? I’m sure I could do it, but when I think about doing it during a deployment and doing it all by myself I am scared. Some days I feel like super mom and I am so proud of how I have gotten through everything during this deployment, but other days I am so tired and wonder how I could ever have two.
What about my dreams?
I have so many dreams. Dreams for my blog, of using it as a ministry and/or taking it further then what it is now and dreams of going back to school and getting a degree in writing. I know that when you are a mom you are giving those things up for a time in order to give of yourself to your children and I am fine with that, but part of me wonders if there is still a place for these dreams. Should I give up on them and continue being a mother or should I keep them safe in my heart and wait for the day that I can make them happen?
I love this blog, but I don’t know if I can continue blogging all the time with a second baby. I may be able to do it occasionally but not all the time. I feel pulled in two different directions and I am sure God will show me what he has for me in His time.
Even if I knew all this would happen before Adam was born, I would still choose to do it again. I love him so much and am so thankful for him every day. But sometimes I am so jealous of how easy it was for others. Those who pop out babies like it is nothing. I know that some people are not able to have children, and I know I am so blessed and I am so thankful we have Adam. If we end up with just one then I will be grateful. Our family will still be complete.
What about YOU? What are some fears you had when it came to having a second baby?